But I can’t i have to keep it on. Its torture you know? waiting for your name to light up my screen? My heart is so hopeful but something tells me it wont. Its so very hard to resist, when it would be so very easy to give in, to scroll down the list until i find your name, to type, to dial. You’re so fucking close but i cant get close to you. I leave my phone face down. On silent. And yet i still stare at it. Im afraid to turn it off even for a second. It’s all so torturous. Today I went to the store to buy some things i needed. When i opened my wallet to pay, I saw your face and my jaw tightened. You’re so fucking beautiful…I walked out with my wallet gripped tightly in my hand and forced myself not to open it again. Just so I could get home alright…to hurry up and keep waiting…i couldn’t bear it for long though. I caved. I gazed upon your face, and held the things you’ve given me to help remember you tightly in my arms…and i couldn’t let go….i wont.
As I lay here in bed, without you by my side, without your hand in mine, without the sound of your voice or the sight of your beautiful smile, I am so still, but my heart is not. Your name on a chain around my neck, laying against my chest, seeping into my heart, my mind is reeling. It all comes over me at once, in waves, it overwhelms me and swallows me up, and I sink, if only for a moment, or a minute or an hour, time passes without measure. And my heart wretches in my chest at the thought of your permanent absence, to all the things that will never happen, places we’ll never go, days we will never have together. “Please let me go back”, I plead to my ceiling, my jaw tightening, my fingers curling tightly around things you’ve given me for comfort, so I can remember you. What you don’t know is that you could have left nothing, and been gone for years, and I could never forget you. I could never let you go. I won’t. I can’t. My heart wretches again, at the thought of your laugh, the way it made my knees weak….you’re so beautiful when you smile. As I lay here in bed, I close my eyes and lift my hand to touch my necklace, I can feel the shape of the letters, the metal is warm from resting against my skin. I curl my fingers tightly around the chain. I won’t let go. I won’t ever let go.
my life is fucking ruined.
just hearing your voice makes me the happiest person on earth.
when your mom walks up behind you while you’re blogging